Haan Ji.
The monotony in his tone was making me wonder.... why is the housekeeper so fear driven when he spoke to me. It had been 2 days since my arrival at the capital and all I get once I return to the guest house are those two words. Well, I do get close to eatable dinner and breakfast as well but that doesn't count. But this time I summed up all my courage (not out of fear of the monotonous housekeeper, but out of my limited vocabulary in the Rashtriya Basha) and asked;
Aap kyun kuch nahi bolthe Hain.
He looked taken aback.. almost threatened. And then slowly, with the drone in his voice easing, he said he feared auditors.
Although I didn't open my mouth I could feel the laughter bursting at its tips. But I could also feel a great deal of pity. I was as close to being a qualified auditor as he was to being a professional singer. I told him there was nothing to fear and that if at all there was anything, he could tell me. It was only later did I realize why the fear of the housekeeper had increased manifold on my arrival. The guest house I was put up in was to be closed down and we were all to move down the road to another one the client had set up. There would be no food and water in the house.
Koi Baath Nahi, I said.
This time he smiled in glee. I too smiled back and told him again attempting my ragged Hindi, that there was no problem and I would find a way to feed myself.
That day, a Sunday, I went down the road to a place called Sethi's and walked in... I ordered a couple of things and went about eating them with relish. The housekeeper's food was worth complaining about, but it did build great appetite for the right occasion.
It was while having this meal did I realize, it was going to be birthday the very next Sunday, and I would be stuck here in this very restaurant that day as well. i chewed on a piece of chicken as my mind whizzed past the memories of my colourful past.
I was going to be 20. 20 years old and no longer a teenager. I assessed my standing in the world and what i had accomplished and what I had to do in the future. When I dug in deep into my past, I was left, thoroughly disappointed. Yes, I did have a few things to talk about, but I realized I had none to tell them to. Also, I had realized, that over the last year, I had been disgracefully boastful, arrogant and ignorant to people's feelings.
Yes, I was a hard worker, a good human being with a flair for socializing and making friends. At least that's what i thought. I could not pick up my phone at that very moment and tell anyone about what I was feeling and why I was feeling so. I felt lonely, deprived and absolutely disgusted with my emotional and physical self.
I entered dessert thinking about how I can carry myself forward and the phone rang. My tea leader told me I could take the flight home for Diwali. My heart skipped a beat and I felt elated. I was going back home.... for diwali and my birthday. I looked down on my favourite mango ice cream and thought about how much weight I had put on over the last year. I again went back to being depressed. I was such a failure. A misguided missile and an absolute waste of space and time.
The week passed and I boarded the flight to Chennai. I reached home and family was very Happy to see me. After the initial euphoria, my mom's constant reminders to clear my luggage irked me. I mean, come on, I was just back, I should be able to do it soon, and how was it possible when I shared the room with my brother and I had to tend to the 30 odd guests in the house on account of my grand dad's birthday.
I slept late the day I returned. I got up slightly late too. Only to realize, I was 20 years old. I went about the morning half asleep and walked like a zombie into the car following the orders of my mother to get an abhishekam done at a Shivan temple. i dozed to glory in the car and got up... not in a Shiva temple, but In temple bay resort. A family surprise as twenty odd faces and 40 eyes looked at me with anticipation. I obliged them the necessary shock and surprise and they were happy. I felt happy too. After a very long time. But i didn't think about it too much. Looking back, I felt it was much too formal, I lacked the warmth my family members had towards me. I was again passively arrogant and quietly stubborn. I don't understand how, nor do I think I have explained it appropriately. It was gut feeling. That's how it felt.
After Temple bay i got back home, I phoned one of best friends amidst the birthday wishes from others. I asked her to join me at home and just hang around for a while. She surprisingly said yes.
She arrived and I felt good that I was not alone in this world and I wasn't a worthless piece of dung after all. Still, this was one person, and she was probably being polite I thought.
It was then I realized how stupid I was think that. Not more than an hour after her arrival, was I surprised yet again by a horde of people whom I consider friends. They bought me a cake and they made blow the candle. I felt 2 years old. I felt like crying... not only out of happiness but also cry at my stupidity for thinking I was an outcast in this world.
Surprises come rarely. Very few are fortunate to get them. I got it when I was just 20.
I felt so stupid. I had manufactured sorrow. I felt sorry for myself and pity for absolutely no reason. I had to correct that. Why I was feeling such things I did not understand, nor did I want to. I just wanted these thoughts to be put to rest after that surprise.
The next day after diwali pooja, I accompanied a whole lot my friends to an orphanage. I spent a day there and thanks to me, a game was also organized for the kids there. Although, it would be unfair for me to take full credit for the way the trip turned out. I was happy and equally proud of what my friends were doing and was happy I was part of it.
the next day I woke up late again. this time, I was again hit by the wave of sorrow. But, this time, I knew it was not manufactured. my parents weren't talking to me. They felt my attitude was wrong and I didn't spend enough time with my books. Right though they are, i felt justified in my non - chalance to the books due to the circumstances and the festivities. I shared the same with my parents but to no avail as they remained silent when I spoke and ignored my pining for their confidence in me. But all to no avail.
I again, felt miserable at the state of affairs at home. no matter how hard I try, I never feel elated all the time. But, then again, was I justified in saying I was trying hard? somewhere I needed answers for the questions I never asked or knew. I needed something to clear my head of my doubts, fears and malfeasance.
When I sat there again, in a similar situation as to the one in Sethi's fast food, my phone rang. It was a delhi number and I picked it up and said,
haan ji.
It was the housekeeper. He had called to wish me a very happy Diwali and a belated birthday... He also said he had never seen such a kind and hard working auditor and was very glad that it was I who he was serving and no one else and would be glad to have me back the coming weekend.
And thus went on the see - saw of my life from chennai to delhi. And will do so for as long as I live. With the past, I saw, and should learn, and with the future I shall see, what is in store.
Are they the answers?
we shall find out.
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